hamzberg | 10 June 2023 | 2 minute read

I hate programming. I've spent like 6 years of my life trying to program and the whole time I had this "Oh, I'll get it someday," attitude.

Well, I never did.

I really wanted to get into programming. I wanted to be a Computer Scientist. I wanted to be the cool hackerman that does the hackerman things on a hackerman computer while drinking a hackerman drink.

But, did I really?

I really don't think I wanted to. So, why did I participate in the longest streak of cognative dissonance ever? I was distracted. I was too busy trying to impress people I knew to think I was smart with all this "hackerman knowledge." I didn't think of myself or the obvious things I was doing instead of programming.

How come I keep coming back to this?

I mean it feels like I'm in denial. I've actually quit programming in the past. I know why. I want to make digital worlds. I want to make games. I want to make things beyond my current skillset. Giving myself time to actually digest decisions seems like it's not on the menu.

I'm a graphic designer.

I've been making graphics for years, and yet I don't respect myself for it. There was this fascination with making cool things happen with lines of text that I became obsessed with the technical, and disregarded my skills.

Well what now?

I guess I'll just get back to drawing. Maybe then I'll be able to take myself seriously.